My ASEAN Free GPS Map Project

Dun we all love the British Newspapers... ??

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...
but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
but the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend...
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up
the money very fast...
he won't even be able to get his pants down.

She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

Income Tax on your Penis

To: All Male Indian Citizens
From: Income Tax Department Service Center
RE: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the Income Tax Department has not taxed yet is your Penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts. Effective January 1, 2010 your penis will be taxed according to size.

The categories are as follows:
10 - 12 inches Luxury Tax 300.00
8 - 10 Pole Tax 250.00
5 - 8 Privilege Tax 150.00
4 - 5 Nuisance Tax 30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return.

NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
AND PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Chief Pecker Checker
Income Tax Department.

NAKED FARE...

One rainy spring night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to ?" he stammered.

"Vale Road," answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "just what the hell you are looking at ?'"

"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question ?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller ? !!!"

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
Then he takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 200 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that........


The blonde replies, 'I was so afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll
see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage. And no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

Mark and Michael were identical twins, who would confuse many people who did not know them.

Mark owned a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day Michael's wife died.

A few days later, a kind old woman saw Mark and mistaking him for Michael, said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel so terrible."

Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, replied;
"Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always losing her water, and a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.
The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

The old lady fainted.

NEW ORTHOPEDIC BED FOR MEN



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A JAR OF VASELINE

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.
He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.
And in they go.

Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is HUGE stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screw her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, And her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!'